Today I was talking to Brittany when she told me that Michael didn't ask me out earlier because he thought I hated him.

When I did like him. And he did like me. And ... it was too late by the time I decided to do something about it when I came back from Florida.

It's funny. He was the last friend I saw before I left St. Louis. And now.. well I suppose, I don't regret spending that last amount of time as I think I did. Because I thought.. if I had spent this time with a closer friend, maybe...

But that wasn't an option. And now this whole thing is just as Stacy said. It's just sad. It does make me sad. I had this great chance to be happy. And now I'm stuck in swamp-land.... I mean... everything was really starting to come together last year. It's just not fair that I have to do everything over again.

Isn't it a good thing to want to be happy? I was this close. Now I'm good with being neutral for as long as I can stand it.

How awesome would this year have been if I stayed in St. Louis.

Now days that aren't horrible are considered passable. I'm being detached again. When people see me, they ask me if I'm ok. Do I really look that bad? Even my teachers asked me that. And my friends in gym said I looked terrible and wiped out for 4th period.

How much better...would it have been if I debated in St.Louis. If I still had my friends, if I had maybe gotten a boyfriend... and then eventually I'd leave it all behind. But I'd HAVE something to leave behind. I left behind something abstract....

Sorry this is so long...

Yue:
I tell you. if i had johnny depp.
or at least someone who looked and talked like him. I would be happy forever. I woudln't even care if he beat me.
Rellie:
XD
chica:
.. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
Yue:
XD
chica:
i would
Rellie:
errrr yeah
chica:
of course.. I'd take a lot of pictures of him and then when he beat me i'll kick him out keep his clothes... and sniff it forever

Joys of MSN.

Today in Geography I was bored, as usual, especially because on account of my moving I'm stuck with all freshmen :bleh: and one of them was strangely ... eugh..

I took a look for the first time at those results for the gifted testing for the school. The 'official' I.Q. test. I did some work and figured out my I.Q. from their basic things and then looked it up to compare against the standard I.Q. (since I took a deviation I.Q.)

Apparently my I.Q. is 180-185. Flattering....but these things always make me worry a bit. Because that number.. is really high...

Schools really waste our potential, ne? I took a practice PSAT with some basic review beforehand. Scored ~ equivalent of 1450 on the old SAT and 2170 on the new one. This new scale sucks.. man.

I have 1 1/2 years to improve that scrore by at least 100 points on the old scale and hopefully at least 250 on the new one. Better start studying.

As far as life... well.. hmm. Nothing, really. Still the same. Ugh.

I started a Norah Jones theme for DMB here. Hopefully I can finish by the end of this week.

Even though I have regrets, I don't think of many things as childish anymore. I got into another fight with my dad yesterday. I said I have nothing left if I don't study and he got angry and started yelling about sacrifices. But that wasn't even what I meant.
It did get me thinking, though, that this is how my life is now. When I first moved here, I felt like complete shit every single day. Not surprisingly, it wasn't a normal feeling, so I was constantly bothered. But I feel like that all the time now, and I've become numb to it. Sort of like... I don't have any expectations, you know? It's not depression, because I'd still feel it every day if it was. But it's more like a resignment.

I'm working 2 weeks ahead of my math class, and my teacher's letting me take tests early. If I can manage to transfer into Pre-Calc early, then... what? I don't know. I should be more focused, but instead I'm just running away even more. The difference is... I'm not running away to a lifestyle or friends, I'm running away just to get out. And nothing more.

Blogs, IMO, are constantly updated in the US when someone is feeling down. Just look at my archives page. I didn't update ONCE between november and february, and it was only to post quiz results. I can't remember too much of that time, except I was happy. And my life was coming together.

But I'm going to keep blogging, because I have to keep my writing up, even if it's terrible and crappy journal writing. It's better than nothing.

I was reading my diary. The actual one. Some nice excerpts?

(The passing months)

These entries are getting to be too long. But this way, at least my hand doesn't hurt.

A year with me for tabulas too! Just like Destiny. Strange.. this is the longest I've kept a blog. I think I shall keep using it. :D I could reflect more.. but currently my nail is dead... ouch.

Anyway.. might as well give some nice greetings to a few friends before my nail goes to hell. Bear with me here, it can get long. Just search for yourself if you're in here... if you're not.. sorry.. it's my nail. Really.


Amy Where are you?

Ally Yay! Our Jude Law <3-ness lives on. You are a great girl, much love, and don't worry about your mom. Soon.. all shall pass.. and you'll be fine. In the meanwhile, keep pixeling.. and get a boyfriend. XP

Destiny My inspiration for this idea. You are just... great. Never failing, and holding many of the same views as me. Rock on. bwaha.

Julie We shall continue to suffer through those Olympics. XD Have a great time getting asked out by strangers. You, too, will soon get a boyfriend to accompany your friendly self. When you do, give me a yell.

Linda I always tell you that I'm jealous of your lifestyle, and I am. You and your family will definitely continue to have those peaceful times to together. I just hope you love your son just as much in 15 years when he starts those hormones. XD

Liesl What can I say? I love you. You are awesome, wonderful, a great friend, and someone I hope to see many more times before I kick the bucket. I actually wrote about you as my hero for my english essay.. and got an A. Keep being yourself, and get out of hick-ville when you can. I'll be waiting. Bwahaha.

Nehkoh A wonderful WONDERFUL graphic designer. I worship you... yay! And you should.. be a star member. *nodnod*

Ning You have a very nice and comfy place in my heart. Thank you for being a wonderful empathetic friend when I need someone the most. One day you'll find everything you want. I'm sure of it. Even if you want to live one day at a time, I know you'll make everyone's lives better for it.

Pavali You are such a sweet, sweet, girl. I'm sorry that you're not as active on DMB anymore, but I hope we can still stay in touch on tabulas. You're just awesome, and I hope the arsonist chokes on gas. XD

Sydney Even though you don't update your tabulas anymore, I wanted to tell everyone that you are awesome, a great song searcher (XD) and a great athlete whom I'm jealous of, considering I can barely do a push-up.

Sophia My friend in this bitter ironic world of killer squirrels on park benches. May they kill all the annoying people in the world, including Mr. R.i.P. and many, many more... good luck on Wash U. Maybe I'll decide to join you after all...

Mikki I don't see you here anymore, either, but thank you for being a wonderful host and a great designer. And cheering me up during the school year is a wonderful favor XD. Study hard.

Rellie What can I say? One day we will slaughter all the annoying people with you bearing Legolas's bow and me... with my pen of justice. Which stabs people and with Yue-poison.

Sasha Haven't from you in a while, but hope you're having a great time in Cali. When you get in Stanford, update a bit. XD I'll keep throwing dry erase board markers.

Alison Just when we were finally getting back into the swing of things I had to leave. Which sucks... very much. But we'll always have those memories of english class with the ignorant boys and Jim's love of forever Jewel. And dumpy fat people. But I repeat myself. XD

Cindy Like I said before, I <3 you. Just a great girl who knows how to cope with change. If you would just update more *cough* I could model myself after you. Go on you child of moving vans. XDDD

And finally... just because your username is at the end of the alphabet:

Rebecca Well... what can I say... really.. since I think we covered more or less everything there was to say last year at lunch. Quite frankly, I miss that. Especially because everyone here has lunch at the same time and it's quite crowded. And this dedication makes no sense. But neither did your yearbook message. yeah. Write on. Wohoho... keep blocking people.

AND THAT'S ALL FOR NOW!

Yay.. I love everyone. Well, no. But I'm bored enough to do this, so leave a comment about how much you love moi. XD

And wish me luck this year. I'll need it.

Came back from Hurricane Ivan. Complete false threat, although my dad was on rotation there anyway, so no harm done.

What's new? I should be studying, our house was full of dust, so I got ... dusted on. And got some temporary hives. We accidently left some chicken in the freezer and it was shut off so... ew... bad smells.

I tried opening a DeviantART account but I have no artwork. And seriously... I'd rather just write in my writing site.

I don't want my stuff to get ripped off. But then again, those are stupid worries. Who would rip off teenagers' crappy writings. Only the sad, sad, people. And I have a mallet just for them.

I have ravenclaw.info and disjointed.info and found a nice host who I won't mention because people might spam her. But .. I don't know what to do with them. Ravenclaw might be used for a personal site, but then what is waterga? And disjointed? I have no clue. Graphics shoppe? HA! I am so crap at design.

I found the homecoming topic on DMB. I started it last year. Isn't that ironic. And this year, I probably won't go. Seeing as I have no good friends to keep my company and not spend the night dancing, and no date. Unless I whore it up. -_-'' Oh yes. I see that happening.

My mom is cracking up hysterically after watching the WWE for the first time on TV. Really, I can't blame her. But this laughing... O_O

Her: "I've never seen such stupid wrestling... or anything so stupid... HAHAHAHAHA."

Well... one guy is cutting another one's hair... in the ring.

School is getting better. Although the latter half of the day I don't have many friends in my classes so I'm basically silent albeit a few "may I go outside to work" during math. Sad, isn't it. Not as sad as the fact that I still have A's for participation.

I have a C in spanish at the moment. A C!! What the-! I've NEVER gotten... AUGHHHH

I'll raise it, but that class is so hard... her quizzes are just random... a lot of the questions have NOTHING to do with what we learned in the past... whatever...

I have A's in all my other classes.

People are starting to talk about homecoming dates now. Here is what I predict.

No date this year.

No date in the following years

No dates in high school

Because I am a coward and I don't flirt.

But everyone else is chickenshit too.

It's not that I'm deperate, because I'm probably not going regardless. But it would be nice to feel... good about something. With no work on my part? Well.. it can happen.. right? :/

Now... I'd like everyone to read this. At least read the beginning and skip to the orange text if you don't have time.

Please read

MSN:
Yue:
i'm so boring...
i should.. streak or moon someone while screaming FREEDOOOOMMM!
See, I have all these ideas.

Rellie:
how.. feasible...they are
XDDDDDDD lmaoo

Yue:
imagination is the basis for.. action

Here are my weekly goals, because at this point, if I don't have any to check back on, I'm going to collapse:

-Get a good grade on the Spanish test
-Do well in Mu Alpha Theta
-Maintain GPA.

FUCK. I forgot to do my math journals. Eugh.

I think I may have a crush. But... hmm.... I doubt it's feasible. As usual.